It's funny how this day is the day I have waited for since I was diagnosed with cancer. The day every person that is told they have cancer waits for. They day we dream of. You get the point I'm sure. Then when the day comes you are filled with anxiety and fear along with joy and happiness. I have seen a recurring theme among cancer survivors. Life after cancer is not easy. It is hard to jump back into life as it was prior to diagnosis. I have thought many times when mother's day came I would wake up the next day as if the last year was just a bad dream. Wake up and just pick up where I left off.
Not exactly a bad idea if you ask me. They don't just look at you and say " you no longer have cancer" and your life goes right back to where it was. It is so true that this is a battle that changes you. It is hard to celebrate a victory and watch others fall to it's will. Even though I won this war I do have battle scars that will last a lifetime. It has truly changed me in ways I didn't think possible. Most of it is good. The rest I just have to battle and take control of it before it takes control of me. I didn't think the anxiety would follow me after getting the good news. I was told I will struggle with PTSD. This will be another fight that I will also rise up and face it head on.
Now that the port was removed I have mixed feelings. I am very happy that this thing is out of me. Also the fact that the removal was a bit stressful since they didn't knock me out. I was awake for the whole surgery with only local anesthesia. Talk about a mind fuck. It was no fun. I was both laughing and freaking out at the same time. I was full of fear and joy. Just knowing that this thing was being removed was such a relief. Now that it is gone I am left with the slight pain from the incision. The wait now for ten days before I can do any lifting has me bummed out a bit. Ten days will come and go in no time.
The last few days since the surgery I have battled some crazy anxiety. I still can not really sleep comfortably until the incision heals so I am sleeping very uncomfortably. Although I tell myself that this is all a small price to pay for being cancer free. I mean lets be realistic. This is a short time to wait so I can enjoy the rest of my life. But we all know anxiety never lets us see the reality of things. At least I can see that. I have battled enough panic attacks to know what the hell is going on. I suppose I have a a road ahead of me learning to get back to life. You would think it would be easy. At least I thought it would be.
I just hope my energy gets a bit better. I am at a better place with my energy but I can still see where I need to take it easy and a few more breaks here and there. Still I am in a better pace than I was just a few months ago. That alone is something to be happy about. For now I just need to get past the nagging aches and pains. I have so many knots in my back and shoulders from the stress of this whole thing that the discomfort is just unbearable at times. I have to wait until the incision is healed then I can get these knots worked out.
Well I suppose that's it for now. Life after cancer is not as easy as you think it would be. There are so many obstacles to overcome. Knowing that everyday things get better is a great feeling though. That gives me the strength to keep pushing forward. I know some days with the anxiety I feel like I take one step forward then three steps back. Still progress is being made and I know it will not happen overnight. I suppose at times I am too hard on myself and I try to push harder than I should. But as I do with everything else I push forward and keep kicking ass. Even if sometimes I feel like Rocky up against Thunderlips.
SMIB \m/
Not exactly a bad idea if you ask me. They don't just look at you and say " you no longer have cancer" and your life goes right back to where it was. It is so true that this is a battle that changes you. It is hard to celebrate a victory and watch others fall to it's will. Even though I won this war I do have battle scars that will last a lifetime. It has truly changed me in ways I didn't think possible. Most of it is good. The rest I just have to battle and take control of it before it takes control of me. I didn't think the anxiety would follow me after getting the good news. I was told I will struggle with PTSD. This will be another fight that I will also rise up and face it head on.
Now that the port was removed I have mixed feelings. I am very happy that this thing is out of me. Also the fact that the removal was a bit stressful since they didn't knock me out. I was awake for the whole surgery with only local anesthesia. Talk about a mind fuck. It was no fun. I was both laughing and freaking out at the same time. I was full of fear and joy. Just knowing that this thing was being removed was such a relief. Now that it is gone I am left with the slight pain from the incision. The wait now for ten days before I can do any lifting has me bummed out a bit. Ten days will come and go in no time.
The last few days since the surgery I have battled some crazy anxiety. I still can not really sleep comfortably until the incision heals so I am sleeping very uncomfortably. Although I tell myself that this is all a small price to pay for being cancer free. I mean lets be realistic. This is a short time to wait so I can enjoy the rest of my life. But we all know anxiety never lets us see the reality of things. At least I can see that. I have battled enough panic attacks to know what the hell is going on. I suppose I have a a road ahead of me learning to get back to life. You would think it would be easy. At least I thought it would be.
I just hope my energy gets a bit better. I am at a better place with my energy but I can still see where I need to take it easy and a few more breaks here and there. Still I am in a better pace than I was just a few months ago. That alone is something to be happy about. For now I just need to get past the nagging aches and pains. I have so many knots in my back and shoulders from the stress of this whole thing that the discomfort is just unbearable at times. I have to wait until the incision is healed then I can get these knots worked out.
Well I suppose that's it for now. Life after cancer is not as easy as you think it would be. There are so many obstacles to overcome. Knowing that everyday things get better is a great feeling though. That gives me the strength to keep pushing forward. I know some days with the anxiety I feel like I take one step forward then three steps back. Still progress is being made and I know it will not happen overnight. I suppose at times I am too hard on myself and I try to push harder than I should. But as I do with everything else I push forward and keep kicking ass. Even if sometimes I feel like Rocky up against Thunderlips.
SMIB \m/
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Love how you transitioned your blog dude, it reflects the "ride" you have been on the past year or so. That said, the "before and after" blogs have both been inspirational in their own way. Good work Pat.
ReplyDeleteThanks man!! Trying to transition back to normal life!
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