As Pat Foley says "tree tirdy tree in the tird." It's game seven and we're all tied up. This game is for the cup folks. The pressure is on. As I sit at the edge of my seat for any Blackhawks playoff game I am sitting at the edge of my seat for this next scan. This is the scan that means everything to me. This one lets me know if all the shit I have been though for the last year has defeated this cancer. I can tell you I am on edge. I have been on edge for sure. The worst part is that even though I have this scan tomorrow I still will not get my results for a week.
I was in this position before. Somehow I back then I was able to just stay calm until I got my results. I had my biopsy on a Monday and got my results on a Friday. I'm back in the same position so I will try to stay as focused as I was the first time. Then again who am I bullshitting. This time around I feel like there is more on the line. I suppose because I know the hell I went through with chemo and radiation. That is something I am not looking forward to doing again. I am still trying to recover my energy. My body has been through so much that I just don't want to put it through more. I obviously have no say over that.
I was lucky enough to get in contact to someone who I really look up to who is also fighting Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He told me that even the fact that it has come back he keeps busy and has come to accept what his body is doing. He sees his treatments as maintenance at this point. I am lucky enough to have many people to talk to that are fighting and have fought this disease. I find myself very lucky to have so many to talk to. It is very hard to deal with cancer as it is. The fact that I have these people is amazing and I am very lucky in that regard. It has helped some with the anxiety for this scan. Or as some have called it, "scanxiety". I can see why they put those two words together.
It has been a long road for sure. Almost a year! I am happy that I have been feeling better. I have to watch what I eat because I just can't have certain things anymore. I get sick to my stomach within hours. I was told by a survivor that as much as we fight to get back to life as it was before we were diagnosed with cancer it never happens. I was told that we are never the same. That there will be a new normal and a new way your body functions. I was told that no one is happy about that but still we are alive. That at the very least is the reason we fight to begin with. I never lost sight of why I fought this. For my kids and for my future. This week I need to be at peace with myself knowing that I must be ready for any result they give me. Have I emerged victorious or do I continue to fight? That question haunts me.
SMIB \m/
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