The Final Countdown....

Well kids here we are. I am down to the last five chemo treatments. As excited as I am that I am getting close to being done. I am also nervous and anxious the closer I get to the end. I am still nervous every time I go in for chemo. I still get sick of the idea every time. I remember the first  treatment I had I went in like "ok lets do this shit". I am not that excited anymore. It takes a bit longer to recover now so my enthusiasm is not as it once was. That's all part of the whole mind fuck of cancer. It really tries to strip you away from your normality and beat you down. The reality of the whole thing is you just have to keep reminding yourself that you are stronger than it is.
Yeah I write a lot about how hard it is and how much of a mind fuck it is. I suppose I do that more to remind myself that I am stronger that this. I repeat it almost daily actually. It is not to different than when I started to work out. When I started in the gym it was a struggle every dam day. I had panic attacks for over a week every day I walked in that gym. But every day I told myself to get off my ass and go back. Go back and do what needed to be done because I was stronger than the fear and stronger than the weak person I had become. I would look in the mirror and say I know you are in there. I would push harder every day to become better than I was the day before.
I would be lying if I said this is the same thing. Of course this is a bit different physically but mentally I think its the same shit. So I repeat it to myself and in my blog as I write because it is obviously the main focus I am in every day. The mind fuck is a battle you have to win or it will beat you so far into a hole that you will never climb out of. And that is not me. That is not who I am or the person I worked so hard to become. When you realize that you can accomplish anything you set your mind to.
Well we are here on chemo eve. I am nervous and anxious and trying very hard not to think to much and get into some anxiety I do not want. I cut the rat tail I called hair today. I couldn't even keep what was left in a ponytail and decided it was time. So after I showered I looked at it and just grabbed the kitchen scissors and cut it. I am close to the end of all of this and The countdown is on. I have to stay focused even more than I have ever been. The hair was just pissing me off. I am already pissed about gaining weight. I didn't need another reason to be pissed.
I know things are going to be better in the end of this journey so I keep my positive mindset and keep my strength to fight every day. Even the days that I feel ok I am still obviously not ok or feeling 100%. Every day is a fight that I scratch and crawl for every inch of victory.

SMIB \m/

YOU KNOW YOU WANA WATCH IT!!