Well today was not bad or good. Kind of in the middle if that's at all possible. I got up and hit the gym. Got in an OK workout. Today I was just very irritable. I was pissed off of my limitations in the gym. I get days like these on and off. I just get pissed off with this whole fucking thing. Tired of chemo and tired of the side effects that have taken me and knocked my ass down. So there ya have it. These days sneak in no mater how hard to try to fight back. But I fight back none the less. I really think it was just to hot today and that effects me.
Got to hit Italian fest in Niles tonight with my parents. It was so fucking crowded I couldn't stay long. I started to feel sufficed walking through the crowd. At least I got out of the house as short of time as it was. Just sucks that I really don't have enough energy to stay out so long.
Well that was it for today no real nausea or neuropathy since I started back with acupuncture. So that's a good thing. But anxiety will take a few more sessions to get me back on track. It's hard dealing with all this shit then deal with anxiety on top of everything else. This is the everyday shit I go through. My mood and emotions change every few hours. Some days I feel awesome like nothing can touch me. Then I have days where I am so fucked up I don't know what the fuck is going on. Today is just one of those days.
Got to hit Italian fest in Niles tonight with my parents. It was so fucking crowded I couldn't stay long. I started to feel sufficed walking through the crowd. At least I got out of the house as short of time as it was. Just sucks that I really don't have enough energy to stay out so long.
Well that was it for today no real nausea or neuropathy since I started back with acupuncture. So that's a good thing. But anxiety will take a few more sessions to get me back on track. It's hard dealing with all this shit then deal with anxiety on top of everything else. This is the everyday shit I go through. My mood and emotions change every few hours. Some days I feel awesome like nothing can touch me. Then I have days where I am so fucked up I don't know what the fuck is going on. Today is just one of those days.
I can't help but laugh when I go through this and then "BAM" I feel better within a few hours. That's when I look back and think why the hell was I bitching so much for. I swear I can lose my mind like this. You can seriously go nuts. I think about people who have it worse than I do. I think about them and look at myself and think why am I complaining. What the hell is so bad that I have to complain. Life moves to fast for me to sit here and bitch. Yeah so I missed out on a lot of shit this summer. Sure it feels like this has robbed me of my summer and this fall will suck also. But knowing that now gives me a big smile for the future. Because in the future I am not going to waste time. I am going to do what I want and grab life by the balls. Being happy is not having piles of fucking money. Being happy does not mean that you need to flying off to the Bahamas every summer.
Being happy is all about having true friends in your life. Life truly is what you make of it. I push everyday to get my life back to where I had it. For as much as I feel like shit I do feel good because I keep fighting. I keep pushing forward. This thing is just another journey I need to see though. In the end of it all I will look back and I suppose I will have learned something about myself. What that will be remains a mystery.
SMIB \m/
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