As predicted today was kinda in the shitter, or is it shiter. Well spell check can't help me on that one so take that for what it is. I have such horrible nausea this time around. Woke up with it and had it on and off all day only had to take 2 pills for it today so not bad. The energy level was ok this morning but really plummeted as the day went on. I was able to deal with the day and just sit all day doing nothing. It is so boring and I think I have seen enough episodes of American Pickers that I can now go out and start picking for a living. The worst part really is the lack of energy. The steroids wear off and you just have no control. Did I mention I can not stand not being control of my own body? The best part of the day was talking to some new friends that I have meet though some mutual Facebook friends. These people have gone though the exact same thing I have and talking with them helps a lot. The whole thing is hard to handle alone so having a network of people who know the struggle and have gone through it is a very helpful thing. Still the fact that you personally have to go through it is still hard. It's hard to deal with at times. There are times you just sit there and think, really I have to deal with this? Almost like the time Jesus was in the garden of Gethsemane where he prays to have this cup pass from him. Yeah bible quote lol. But that is how you feel at times when you sit here quiet and it just creeps in your head. The reason you feel like shit, the reason why you are so tired. And you get pissed off. It is not easy.
I had neuropathy from chemo since the first treatment. Although it was very light at first this time its driving me a bit nuts. Mostly its in my hands and the tingling sensation is just enough to make you nuts. So add that in with everything else its no fun. Ok so obviously the third day after chemo is just a shit day, At the very least the acupuncture I had yesterday really helped my anxiety. If I didn't have that I would have lost it by now. So considering that I am doing pretty good. Knowing tomorrow will be better helps. Having people to share this experience with is great. I honestly don't know how anyone would survive this without that. Then there is this horrible pain in my shoulder because I think I slept funny.
So as you can see today is just all over the place. I am irritable, pissed off and just not in the mood for shit. I think I can actually punch my fuckin lap top right now but I need it. So calming down a bit just as I said before I am not going to sugar coat these posts I make. I feel ok and I had a decent day but I have no patience for this shit. I believe this is the part of the whole cancer thing where the positive and the fight comes in. I guess I never understood that. Fight.. fight what, you just sit there and the drugs run through you. What the fuck are you supposed to fight? How do YOU actually FIGHT cancer? I a understanding now the fight is actually for your sanity. The fight is to stay strong and make it though every day, every side effect with courage and determination that you will come out a head. That's the fight to me, the way I understand it I suppose. It's like the cowardly lion. Puddem up puddem up.
I guess that is my point after all this ranting and raving about being pissed off. You are not fighting cancer, you are fighting the side effects and fighting for your sanity and I guess normalcy. Just to feel normal for a day or two would be awesome. But as I talk to survivors they all say the same thing, This will change you. You will never be the same person. I can see that now all to clear. The one thing that I do know is that I just will not tolerate any bullshit any longer in my life. Any toxic situations or people just need to be cut out like a cancer itself. Once you have a life altering event like this you start to put things in to perspective. I have wasted enough time with fake people who use and just talk shit about you. Just to much to even worry about. If you have that in your life just deal with it now. Don't wait god forbid for something like this. Just deal with that shit now. Ok well I am going on and on. But as I said no sugar coating this blog. Just a day I had to deal with. I am happy I had a few people to talk to throughout the day that are going though chemo or have gone though it. Like I said it is a big help.
SMIB \m/
I had neuropathy from chemo since the first treatment. Although it was very light at first this time its driving me a bit nuts. Mostly its in my hands and the tingling sensation is just enough to make you nuts. So add that in with everything else its no fun. Ok so obviously the third day after chemo is just a shit day, At the very least the acupuncture I had yesterday really helped my anxiety. If I didn't have that I would have lost it by now. So considering that I am doing pretty good. Knowing tomorrow will be better helps. Having people to share this experience with is great. I honestly don't know how anyone would survive this without that. Then there is this horrible pain in my shoulder because I think I slept funny.
So as you can see today is just all over the place. I am irritable, pissed off and just not in the mood for shit. I think I can actually punch my fuckin lap top right now but I need it. So calming down a bit just as I said before I am not going to sugar coat these posts I make. I feel ok and I had a decent day but I have no patience for this shit. I believe this is the part of the whole cancer thing where the positive and the fight comes in. I guess I never understood that. Fight.. fight what, you just sit there and the drugs run through you. What the fuck are you supposed to fight? How do YOU actually FIGHT cancer? I a understanding now the fight is actually for your sanity. The fight is to stay strong and make it though every day, every side effect with courage and determination that you will come out a head. That's the fight to me, the way I understand it I suppose. It's like the cowardly lion. Puddem up puddem up.
I guess that is my point after all this ranting and raving about being pissed off. You are not fighting cancer, you are fighting the side effects and fighting for your sanity and I guess normalcy. Just to feel normal for a day or two would be awesome. But as I talk to survivors they all say the same thing, This will change you. You will never be the same person. I can see that now all to clear. The one thing that I do know is that I just will not tolerate any bullshit any longer in my life. Any toxic situations or people just need to be cut out like a cancer itself. Once you have a life altering event like this you start to put things in to perspective. I have wasted enough time with fake people who use and just talk shit about you. Just to much to even worry about. If you have that in your life just deal with it now. Don't wait god forbid for something like this. Just deal with that shit now. Ok well I am going on and on. But as I said no sugar coating this blog. Just a day I had to deal with. I am happy I had a few people to talk to throughout the day that are going though chemo or have gone though it. Like I said it is a big help.
SMIB \m/
I think you nailed it, all you can do is fight to stay positive, I think mentality has such a big effect on most things in life including being sick. I saw an interview w/ Rhonda Rousey, Conan asked her how she deals with pain and she said she gets in the ring and just chooses not to feel it. Check it out.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiUB6cAM0gQ
ALmost forgot... FUCK YOU CANCER
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