Just because some one stumbles and looses their way,

So Fuck me today was just crazy. I had to go early and get down there early to see my oncologist before they did my treatment. So the great news was that after my oncologist did my full physical today she was very pleased with my progress and I look great. So after another round of chemo I will have a scan and see how well the treatments are working and if everything is shirking as she believes it is. So basically I done did good. lol. That's was a bit of good news today. I told her I felt like I was cheating at this because I felt so good this past week. She just said that it was great that I was feeling that good and that basically the working out and acupuncture was contributing to my feeling better. Wow did that sentence make any sense? My chemo brain is back full force so I am all over the place.
Ok so once I was cleared by my oncologists I went up to get settled in and had to wait for all my labs to come back to make sure I can even get my chemo. Everything came back good but my white blood count was low so I have to be extra careful this week with germs and being around anyone who is sick and all that crap. It sucks that my worst day  falls on Wednesday which is my lodge meeting day and I end up missing that. Ok I am going off on another tangent. So my counts were good enough to get the chemo and I had to sit and wait because they order the chemo right there and then right after they clear me for the treatment. So I sit and wait some more. After my hour wait I was there 3 hours and then get my chemo. Between the long wait and then getting hit with that chemo I just had a hard time with it today.
I can not stand the feeling of it going on my USB port. It sucks feeling it go in. That is what starts making the anxiety go nuts. Well I took it like a man and got my treatment and after every drug I got I felt more and more weak and the chemo brain was just hitting me so I panicked today and was not doing very well. Emotions were going crazy after the chemo.  I had to get in and get acupuncture as fast as I could to make me feel better. I walked in a mess and walked out laughing. So far I really believe that it is helping me big time. But I have to tell you anxiety is a beast of its own. I have to fight cancer and anxiety, the side effects, It is a big mess. I tried very hard to mentally prepare my self for today. Guess I did not do the best job. That's ok because I will deal with it the best I can.
So some good news today that things look like they are working very well. It sucks that I have to do this chemo shit. I will complain about every treatment because fuck it, I don't like it. It sucks and I feel like shit. On the upside I am glad I have acupuncture that is helping me along. Well that was the best part of the day, getting the phone call from my mechanic that my car will be over a grand to fix was a hard pill to swallow. So that will have to be on the back burner for a while. Other than that I will forge a head and keep my head up high. Oh speaking of head, Hair is falling out, so here we go with that. Guess I will rock the bald soon lol. Ok I am done because I am just beat right now. just way to much to deal with all in one day. I need to stay positive and stay one stay ahead of this demon. The screams come from inside that no one hears when you fight anxiety. But you add this other demon on top of it, well I don't have to tell you it can really spiral out of control. I can not let that happen. Just remember. Just because some one stumbles and looses their way, doesn't mean they are lost forever.

SMIB \m/

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