Here we are, November. It's cold, Its raining and I am a bit frightened that I really have no real emotion
about tomorrow. I believe that I have been on this cancer journey now for so
long that at some point it has numbed me. The constant tests, the poking and prodding
every three months. You are constantly in the Orange. Alert and ready to take whatever news is
handed to you and start making decisions. I remember how fast it all was when I
heard those words "you have cancer".
If you have been following along you can recall that action is taken
right there and then. There is no time to process the information. You just go
into survival mode. Your life as I have said turns on a dime.
I was diagnosed May
2015. It has been two and a half years
since my life changed and it has been a crazy ride. I can remember the doctors telling me "
give us six months of your life and you will be back to normal." That was
a odd thing to say considering that nothing is normal anymore. Living in that
constant Orange state is not exactly healthy for anyone. I have learned a lot during my journey and
have been constantly investing in myself. Taking control of my surroundings was
a big start. Cutting out negativity and realizing who and what is not healthy is
a big step for anyone. It is not easy to do unless you hit that wall and decide
for yourself its time.
No one can live a perfect life. That is a lie. No one is
perfect. I have learned that there is no end
to my personal growth. There really is no end game. We should constantly
grow and learn every day. There is no one place in life that you arrive and say
"this is it, I can stop now" I have learned that you just keep
getting better. Continue to grow and better yourself in every aspect of life.
Health, Spirit and mental state. I believe I am on the right path. I am always evaluating
and adjusting my path in life. Most of the things that I believed were
important to me in the past really were just distractions. It just brought me
to a place in life where I fine tuned what is truly important to me.
Am I in a perfect place in my life? No. I have learned to accept
that you just need to be in a perfect place in your heart. Only then can you
start to look at life in a new way. All I can really say is that as an
individual you need to find that place within you. I don't believe anyone can
just teach you that. It has taken facing death for me to learn what I have
learned. Having that realization that it can be gone tomorrow really opens your
eyes. Those of you who follow my blog are fighting the same fight even now. I
hope in some small way you can see that what I am saying is true.
I have gone back to
read some of my past posts and can see where I have changed during my journey. I can see how much anger and disappointment I
had. I was not in a perfect place in my
heart. Not even close. I am not saying
that I do not get angry. I just choose to approach situations that arise in a
new way. I have the faith to keep going no matter what is placed in my path.
Whatever news I get tomorrow I will deal with and have faith that God has put this in my path for a reason. This
journey has changed me in many ways. So the doctors saying "give us six
months of your life and you will be back to normal" was a lie. I thing is
some ways that's a good thing.
My prayers still go out to those of you still in the fight.
Stay strong and believe. Remember as
long as your feet hit the ground every morning you're alive. Live life every
day. If you realize no matter what you do we are dying every day, why waste a
second!
SMIB \m/
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