It's one am and I can't sleep. Day two being cancer free. A survivor. Now what?! I swear to you I have been waiting for this day for a year and now that it is here I am left with lots of questions. The big question "what do I do now?" Don't get me wrong I am speechless and beyond excited. It almost feels like a joke. It feels like I will go in to see my oncologist on Tuesday and she will tell me it's back. One of the big fears of all survivors is the fear of it coming back. It's only day two and I am already thinking that way. It's funny, you hear the word cancer and the first thing you think is "Ok how do I beat this" you start to think about the day it's all over and they tell you so.
I won't lie it was amazing to hear it! I suppose I still haven't processed the news. The thing I have learned is that after cancer you are never the same. You think about the day you can be the person you were before cancer. That day will never come because you will never be the same again. Cancer changes you. The whole experience is surreal. At this point I am just trying to get my plans back on track. Right before I was diagnosed I was starting my personal training and motivational training. I had started with a few people who I must say have come a long way and lost weight and changed their lives. I was able to help them slowly even during my treatments. Now that this nightmare is slowly shrinking in my review I have work to do to get back on track. I am putting together my training website and having a blast working on my new YouTube / Blog series "What are you eating" I hope that some of this info helps people along the way.
Now that I have accomplished kicking ass at weight loss and cancer I am waging war on anxiety and depression. Being locked up in my home for close to a year has sucked. So now that I am getting my strength back I feel like I can get back ot in the world and start doing what I have always loved to do. PLay music, workout and help people. Finding what you love in life takes time. Comes easy for some and not so easy for others. Its all part of our own personal journey in life. My journey has taken me on a detour with cancer. I do feel at times very angry that this happened to me. I am glad that I am getting past that anger. I just need to man up to what happened and the scars it left behind.
It still hasn't sunk in that the cancer is gone. I suppose since I still have this port in my chest it is a constant reminder. The fact that all my energy hasn't come back is no fun either. I do feel stronger n the gym. I can lift more and my endurance is getting better. I am very happy about the progress so far. Of course I am impatient and want it all back now. Who wouldn't want that. It's hard to watch all the hard work slip away due to something that was not in your control. Getting cancer is never anyone's plan. I used to think I was lucky that I got in shape and if the zombie apocalypse came well shit, I was ready! Instead of the zombies to fight I had to fight cancer. But you know what? I suppose I was ready for that too.
Now that this is over I of course have a two year window where this could possibly come back. I have to be screened every three months for the next two years. This will be stressful as the fear of the return of the disease will always be in the back of my mind. Still what the fuck is wrong with me I should be happy but I guess I am just feeling what only some of you would understand. Those that have gone through something like this. I am glad that I have a great network of cancer survivors that have helped me along the way. Also having some close friends that are fighting cancer has opened my eyes to true friendships and people who really have big hearts.
Well I thought that this post would be very exciting lol. After cancer is just as scary as cancer. At this point I guess I need to soak this all in. I still have another appointment with my oncologist on tuesday and I am excited and scared to see her. I know she will not want to take my port out. I hear she likes to keep it in for a year as a precaution. I really am not up for that. We shall see what happens. At this point I just need to focus on my new life and all from where I sit.. It ain't that bad.
SMIB \m/
I won't lie it was amazing to hear it! I suppose I still haven't processed the news. The thing I have learned is that after cancer you are never the same. You think about the day you can be the person you were before cancer. That day will never come because you will never be the same again. Cancer changes you. The whole experience is surreal. At this point I am just trying to get my plans back on track. Right before I was diagnosed I was starting my personal training and motivational training. I had started with a few people who I must say have come a long way and lost weight and changed their lives. I was able to help them slowly even during my treatments. Now that this nightmare is slowly shrinking in my review I have work to do to get back on track. I am putting together my training website and having a blast working on my new YouTube / Blog series "What are you eating" I hope that some of this info helps people along the way.
Now that I have accomplished kicking ass at weight loss and cancer I am waging war on anxiety and depression. Being locked up in my home for close to a year has sucked. So now that I am getting my strength back I feel like I can get back ot in the world and start doing what I have always loved to do. PLay music, workout and help people. Finding what you love in life takes time. Comes easy for some and not so easy for others. Its all part of our own personal journey in life. My journey has taken me on a detour with cancer. I do feel at times very angry that this happened to me. I am glad that I am getting past that anger. I just need to man up to what happened and the scars it left behind.
It still hasn't sunk in that the cancer is gone. I suppose since I still have this port in my chest it is a constant reminder. The fact that all my energy hasn't come back is no fun either. I do feel stronger n the gym. I can lift more and my endurance is getting better. I am very happy about the progress so far. Of course I am impatient and want it all back now. Who wouldn't want that. It's hard to watch all the hard work slip away due to something that was not in your control. Getting cancer is never anyone's plan. I used to think I was lucky that I got in shape and if the zombie apocalypse came well shit, I was ready! Instead of the zombies to fight I had to fight cancer. But you know what? I suppose I was ready for that too.
Now that this is over I of course have a two year window where this could possibly come back. I have to be screened every three months for the next two years. This will be stressful as the fear of the return of the disease will always be in the back of my mind. Still what the fuck is wrong with me I should be happy but I guess I am just feeling what only some of you would understand. Those that have gone through something like this. I am glad that I have a great network of cancer survivors that have helped me along the way. Also having some close friends that are fighting cancer has opened my eyes to true friendships and people who really have big hearts.
Well I thought that this post would be very exciting lol. After cancer is just as scary as cancer. At this point I guess I need to soak this all in. I still have another appointment with my oncologist on tuesday and I am excited and scared to see her. I know she will not want to take my port out. I hear she likes to keep it in for a year as a precaution. I really am not up for that. We shall see what happens. At this point I just need to focus on my new life and all from where I sit.. It ain't that bad.
SMIB \m/
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