Saturday was a fun six hour or so emergency room visit. The reason for the trip really started this past week after my radiation treatment. The skin in the treatment area has turned nice and red like a bad sunburn. The muscle in the areas is also stiff and tight. Almost like a nice Indian burn you would get as a kid. Or should I be politically correct and say "native American burn". I wouldn't want to offend anyone. All this and you can add in the fatigue that is just brutal and it is a cocktail for anxiety. This fatigue has been fucking crazy. I mean with chemo at least the fatigue just creeps up on you. This is just like being hit by a car. Just a nice hit out of nowhere.
After my workout on Wednesday I was so exhausted once I got home. I decided to take off on Thursday and Friday and that this would pass. Friday morning I was scheduled as a volunteer parent for my daughters classroom for the schools "100th Day of School" celebration. Of course I said I would do this a few weeks ago and before I knew how this fatigue would hit me. I made it to class in the morning and surprised my daughter. That was the best part. After three hours I was back home and got a few things done before I went back to pick her up from school. Friday around seven in the evening I was done.
I ended up in my bed by eight and stayed there until eleven thirty Saturday. By this time I was still exhausted and the muscles in my chest were tipping my anxiety over the edge, As many of you would know if you have anxiety. There is no way to control this once you let it get too far. I used to be strong enough to shake it off. At this point I am so tired and have had enough of feeling this way. I couldn't get control. I got a hold of my brother who took me right to the hospital and figured having a doctor confirm that my heart is fine would calm me down.
Funny enough I have had so many heart tests in the last eight months to know that the doctors have told me my heart is in great shape. Still for my anxiety this information means nothing. So my mistake was to tell the ER I had chest pain. Since the wait was two hours my brother says "hey tell them you have chest pain they will take you asap" Well yes they will. Once the EKG, blood test and chest x ray all came back normal they tossed me back out to the waiting room in the back of the line. So after getting there at three I was finally taken back by eight. Then I was hooked up to heart monitor and told by the nurse they may keep me for observation overnight.
At this point I was pissed. I was feeling better just knowing my tests all came back fine and I was assured that what I thought the discomfort was turned out to be just the side effects of the radiation. After talking to some doctors and answering questions and another panic attack right in front of a doctor I was told my heart is fine. What a crazy night. I guess you can never be to sure. Still I wish my anxiety didn't get the best of me. All that time in the ER all I had to eat was a protein shake around noon and a banana at two. I snuck in some peanut M&M's from the ER vending machine. They try to kill ya just by the food they feed you while you wait. By nine I was on my way home starving and with a headache and no more anxiety. I suppose I learned a lesson. Whether or not that lesson is pack a lunch or just try to not freak out I am not sure yet. But I think the later is the best.
I will say that I am close to the edge of what I can take. I have been fighting this now for ten months and I am getting tired. I am so close to finishing this so I am trying as hard as I can to keep forging ahead. Some days I have to admit that it fucking sucks and it is hard to stay sane. I suppose anyone would hit a brick wall at some point. Ten months is a long time. It is a big chunk of life to just toss to the side. I am honestly sick of being sick. Still I hold my head up and keep fighting with fortitude. I still hit the gym this morning and did my cardio. I have gotten my blood pressure down by getting back in the gym. Progress is being made.
SMIB \m/
After my workout on Wednesday I was so exhausted once I got home. I decided to take off on Thursday and Friday and that this would pass. Friday morning I was scheduled as a volunteer parent for my daughters classroom for the schools "100th Day of School" celebration. Of course I said I would do this a few weeks ago and before I knew how this fatigue would hit me. I made it to class in the morning and surprised my daughter. That was the best part. After three hours I was back home and got a few things done before I went back to pick her up from school. Friday around seven in the evening I was done.
I ended up in my bed by eight and stayed there until eleven thirty Saturday. By this time I was still exhausted and the muscles in my chest were tipping my anxiety over the edge, As many of you would know if you have anxiety. There is no way to control this once you let it get too far. I used to be strong enough to shake it off. At this point I am so tired and have had enough of feeling this way. I couldn't get control. I got a hold of my brother who took me right to the hospital and figured having a doctor confirm that my heart is fine would calm me down.
Funny enough I have had so many heart tests in the last eight months to know that the doctors have told me my heart is in great shape. Still for my anxiety this information means nothing. So my mistake was to tell the ER I had chest pain. Since the wait was two hours my brother says "hey tell them you have chest pain they will take you asap" Well yes they will. Once the EKG, blood test and chest x ray all came back normal they tossed me back out to the waiting room in the back of the line. So after getting there at three I was finally taken back by eight. Then I was hooked up to heart monitor and told by the nurse they may keep me for observation overnight.
At this point I was pissed. I was feeling better just knowing my tests all came back fine and I was assured that what I thought the discomfort was turned out to be just the side effects of the radiation. After talking to some doctors and answering questions and another panic attack right in front of a doctor I was told my heart is fine. What a crazy night. I guess you can never be to sure. Still I wish my anxiety didn't get the best of me. All that time in the ER all I had to eat was a protein shake around noon and a banana at two. I snuck in some peanut M&M's from the ER vending machine. They try to kill ya just by the food they feed you while you wait. By nine I was on my way home starving and with a headache and no more anxiety. I suppose I learned a lesson. Whether or not that lesson is pack a lunch or just try to not freak out I am not sure yet. But I think the later is the best.
I will say that I am close to the edge of what I can take. I have been fighting this now for ten months and I am getting tired. I am so close to finishing this so I am trying as hard as I can to keep forging ahead. Some days I have to admit that it fucking sucks and it is hard to stay sane. I suppose anyone would hit a brick wall at some point. Ten months is a long time. It is a big chunk of life to just toss to the side. I am honestly sick of being sick. Still I hold my head up and keep fighting with fortitude. I still hit the gym this morning and did my cardio. I have gotten my blood pressure down by getting back in the gym. Progress is being made.
SMIB \m/
Well, like you said, a few weeks of side effects, right? Hang tough man
ReplyDeleteYeah man it has just been a bitch of a week. I'm hanging in there!
DeleteSorry to hear you ended in the ER and yes the food sucks but anxiety will rear it's ugly head when u r really tired. You just don't have the will nor strength to fight it. But now that you know your heart is fine and ur back to getting ur acupuncture treatment u should feel a little better, Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteThank you Diane, You are right, being that tired makes it so hard to fight anxiety. Still I am staying strong!
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