Cue up the imperial march. It's the dark side of the force that has taken me this week. I am only seven days into my twenty day radiation treatment. The anxiety has been low for sure. I can't even bitch and complain. It was completely worse when I was on chemo. This is something different. Depression can get a hold of you during this whole journey. Just because you get cancer it doesn't mean that all the other problems of life stop. I tend to try and brush it off. The everyday issues pile on top of cancer issues and, well just listen to that. It's depressing just reading it. Ok so obviously I have reached the deep dark pits of cancer.
I honestly feel tired of it all. The constant watching for side effects is enough to make your head explode. Having this chest congestion and horrible cough just makes this a whole lot more fun. It's kept me out of the gym the last three days. That is a big part of why I feel so down. That and this fucked up weather. Or can it be driving out to Warrenville everyday to get barbarically strapped to a table. That could have a bit to do with it too. Obviously this has now been going on for eight months so far and I am reaching my emotional limits.
I was here before. Back in October while I was getting close to the end of my chemo treatment. This gets to you in a way that just breaks you down inside. As I said being strapped to that table and having your head locked in one position for an hour is just insane. Oh well what can I say here. It is getting really fucking annoying and I am tired of feeling run down. Feeling like I have gone backwards is just eating me up. It amazes me how I am supposed to be getting cured yet I feel worse. How the fuck does this work.
Still the dark side keeps looming over me. I keep thinking of my kids and why I started this whole fight to begin with. There is no "how to" book when it comes to cancer. Sure every time a nurse asks me how I feel they ask if I want to talk to someone. I have talked to a few someones and they give you that pitiful look and the whole "stay positive" and my all time favorite "I understand" No you do not understand what the fuck I am going through. And it shouldn't offend anyone if I say you have no clue what the fuck I go through unless you have gone through this.
Obviously I feel pretty shitty but acupuncture did help me out tonight. At the very least anxiety levels are low. I think seeing these kids every day at the proton center really has been getting to me. I see these parents walking them in every day and these kids that should be in school and enjoying childhood are in a room next to me strapped to a table and going through the same thing I am. The world plays some funny tricks on us. Some day you never know when or where and bam. Your life gets turned upside down. Well that is that kids. Take a moment please and stop by my go fund me page and whatever you can give within your means to help out my cause is appreciated. Anything you can give is appreciated.
SMIB \m/
I honestly feel tired of it all. The constant watching for side effects is enough to make your head explode. Having this chest congestion and horrible cough just makes this a whole lot more fun. It's kept me out of the gym the last three days. That is a big part of why I feel so down. That and this fucked up weather. Or can it be driving out to Warrenville everyday to get barbarically strapped to a table. That could have a bit to do with it too. Obviously this has now been going on for eight months so far and I am reaching my emotional limits.
I was here before. Back in October while I was getting close to the end of my chemo treatment. This gets to you in a way that just breaks you down inside. As I said being strapped to that table and having your head locked in one position for an hour is just insane. Oh well what can I say here. It is getting really fucking annoying and I am tired of feeling run down. Feeling like I have gone backwards is just eating me up. It amazes me how I am supposed to be getting cured yet I feel worse. How the fuck does this work.
Still the dark side keeps looming over me. I keep thinking of my kids and why I started this whole fight to begin with. There is no "how to" book when it comes to cancer. Sure every time a nurse asks me how I feel they ask if I want to talk to someone. I have talked to a few someones and they give you that pitiful look and the whole "stay positive" and my all time favorite "I understand" No you do not understand what the fuck I am going through. And it shouldn't offend anyone if I say you have no clue what the fuck I go through unless you have gone through this.
Obviously I feel pretty shitty but acupuncture did help me out tonight. At the very least anxiety levels are low. I think seeing these kids every day at the proton center really has been getting to me. I see these parents walking them in every day and these kids that should be in school and enjoying childhood are in a room next to me strapped to a table and going through the same thing I am. The world plays some funny tricks on us. Some day you never know when or where and bam. Your life gets turned upside down. Well that is that kids. Take a moment please and stop by my go fund me page and whatever you can give within your means to help out my cause is appreciated. Anything you can give is appreciated.
SMIB \m/
Comments
Post a Comment