Nothing else Matters

So close no matter how far Couldn't be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are

And nothing else matters,

Never opened myself this way Life is ours, we live it our way All these words I don't just say

And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you Every day for us something new Open mind for a different view

And nothing else matters

Chemo #2 today ran so long because I had to see my oncologist first run blood tests to see if my counts were all good so we can do chemo. While we waited for the results we chatted about the rest of my week since I saw her on Wednesday. And of course I had to tell her that this weekend started bad with my crying breakdown on Friday. Basically I was able to track my emotion overload to Thursday night when I went to go in and talk about Acupuncture with Dr. Pugliese. I realized that he treated my brother Nick years ago and they became friends. So we spent about an hour catching up about my brother that night then going over my story about my diagnosis and everything that led up to that, well that must have snuck into my head and was just simmering up in there.

After all that and after pushing my self a bit harder Friday in the gym than I should have. Well anxiety took over all those feelings came rushing in and just beat me up. Then the whole deal at the church on Sunday. Add all that plus the anxiety of what this round of chemo would bring, well I could only take so much. So the doc said "Hey this is absolutely normal" "you can’t be Wolverine all the time" And she is right. But she also said that it didn't make me weak either. Again it’s all a learning processes to me. And for me to try and hide the fact that this scares the shit out of me would be a facade. I keep strong for me and my kids and my family. I know so many of you our there are so supportive and know that it helps me stay strong knowing who my friends are and all the good vibes and prayers I get.

I sat with a counselor today and she sat with me during my whole chemo treatment. She was awesome and we went in depth with everything and again it was just nice to just dump it all out and and know that I am going through normal emotions and I am not going crazy. She told me that I was amazingly strong and that by blogging and having a network of friends who have gone through this, that I did that all on my own was amazing. I said really because I just did what I figured anyone would do. As soon as I was told I had cancer, I went into survivor mode and put a plan together to beat this. She said that's amazing and wishes all her patience would do the same. I am nothing special. I have 2 things on my mind. My son and My daughter. I will not give up for them. I don't give a shit about me. If I had no kids and my time was up, well it was up. But when you have kids your life changes. This is another human that you are caring for. You mold these lil people into young adults with the hopes they grow up better than you were. I need to stay because my work is not done. So I fight and I fight for them.

That being said on the Chemo. Today ugh, it was just not a great feeling going up for treatments i had to wait till after 1 pm today at first the counselor was like hey are you ok to go through with treatment and I said absolutely yes lets go. Quit making me fucking cry lol and I can do this shit. This time it wasn't too bad but the feeling of the drugs going into my usb port into my veins, it's hard to explain. Just feels cold and disgusting. Plus I am a man and were baby's when were sick lol. So I made it through with help of the counselor chatting with me the whole time made me take my mind off the chemo. After I left I started feeling the chemo brain really come back strong like the beginning of the first treatment. They really pump you full of so much that It makes you feel out there. I need to take it easy now for at least 4 days. because this is a strain on your system I cant do any working out till later in the week. So time to sit on the recliner again and be a bum. I am sure there is more I want to say today but I really am just way out there. I hope tomorrow my acupuncture session will help with my side effects. My Oncologist told me yes yes do acupuncture. she is a huge supporter of holistic healing and anything that helps me. She said that medication is not always the end all be all and that I should absolutely hit this with both barrels. Great to hear from a doctor. So off I go tomorrow night to do my acupuncture. 

Ok kids I think that's all I got in me. Like I said, thank you is not enough for how some of you have stepped up to help me with good vibes, prayers and sharing the go fund me page. You guys leave me speechless. to see some of you that I do not even know very well help is just something that touches me very deeply. I do all I do for my kids. Nothing else matters. OOOOOOOO YA YA... ( James Hetfield voice ;) )

SMIB \m/

www.gofundme.com/patcatalano