Today started great. Had some decent energy when I got up so was ready to hit the gym today and test out my limits. Cable guy showed up between the 10 and 12 window, I was happy and presently surprised. After a job well done by Mr. Comcast I was off to the gym. Felt great to be back in and try to get a normal workout in. Well normal for me now. I obviously have limitations and I needed to find them. Well after my workout I got home made my protein shake and after that something happened. My anxiety reared its ugly head. I haven't seen this son of a bitch in a while. He moved in like it was his place and he was in charge. I tried to control it but I waited to long to take my meds. I am not happy about this cocktail of shit coursing through my veins at the moment. So taking meds for anything else is just not flying with me. But needless to say I took one but to late.
So today I broke down first time since I was diagnosed. It ended up being a shit day all together. I used muscles in the gym today I haven't used in the past month so this port felt like a bruise on my chest. Now for those of you that know how anxiety works that's when you freak out that you're having a heart attack. So bam I was so exhausted and the anxiety takes up so much energy that I was just falling apart. Since I was diagnosed I never broke down as said "I don't wana be sick" I don't want this. I am so pissed off that I got this that I just fell apart over it. I have so much pressure to be strong for my kids for my family for people who look up to me. Today that was to much pressure. Some days I cant be Wolverine everyday. Today was just the day I wasn't.
I also heard some bullshit news today that the word on the street is that Pat lost to much weight and looks sickly. Really? Fuck you whoever you are. I busted my ass in the gym for 2 years, quit smoking and changed my eating to get the results I wanted. Sorry you are not strong enough to change your eating habits and get your ass off the couch. It took me 2 years to accomplish this and I wont let any piece of shit lazy fucker who cant get their life together talk about me behind my back and tell people I look sickly. Well who ever you people are contact me and ill check out your MD licence and Nutrition Licence and we can go over how sickly I look and how I lost to much weight. Again Fuck You. If you knew anything about heath and wellness you would know chemo is what makes you lose weight. I have been 182 lbs for the last 4 months. just stuck there. I just started chemo and I actually put on 5 lbs because I can't work out as much. I would never walk around judging anyone for weight. I know the struggle. I know how bad it is and how hard it is to lose the weight. To change your diet. Its hard. It is a struggle every day. Right now I want a fucking burrito!! A big fucking juicy burrito but I'm cool. Ill be aright. Ill have an apple. But to criticize someone for hard work and dedication well you have a problem. There is my answer to that bullshit and I will now bury it and you can bite my ass.
Now on to other important shit. I put that out there now It's behind me. This is the emotional swings I guess I am having today. Feel my wrath lol. Ok well that's it kids. Those of you who care, I appreciate everything you do for me with all my heart.
So today was a shit day for me. Anger, Anxiety and sadness. I am staying strong in the middle of all of this. I just need to remember that the emotions will get the best of me some days. Today was what I am sure the first of many.
SMIB \m/
So today I broke down first time since I was diagnosed. It ended up being a shit day all together. I used muscles in the gym today I haven't used in the past month so this port felt like a bruise on my chest. Now for those of you that know how anxiety works that's when you freak out that you're having a heart attack. So bam I was so exhausted and the anxiety takes up so much energy that I was just falling apart. Since I was diagnosed I never broke down as said "I don't wana be sick" I don't want this. I am so pissed off that I got this that I just fell apart over it. I have so much pressure to be strong for my kids for my family for people who look up to me. Today that was to much pressure. Some days I cant be Wolverine everyday. Today was just the day I wasn't.
I also heard some bullshit news today that the word on the street is that Pat lost to much weight and looks sickly. Really? Fuck you whoever you are. I busted my ass in the gym for 2 years, quit smoking and changed my eating to get the results I wanted. Sorry you are not strong enough to change your eating habits and get your ass off the couch. It took me 2 years to accomplish this and I wont let any piece of shit lazy fucker who cant get their life together talk about me behind my back and tell people I look sickly. Well who ever you people are contact me and ill check out your MD licence and Nutrition Licence and we can go over how sickly I look and how I lost to much weight. Again Fuck You. If you knew anything about heath and wellness you would know chemo is what makes you lose weight. I have been 182 lbs for the last 4 months. just stuck there. I just started chemo and I actually put on 5 lbs because I can't work out as much. I would never walk around judging anyone for weight. I know the struggle. I know how bad it is and how hard it is to lose the weight. To change your diet. Its hard. It is a struggle every day. Right now I want a fucking burrito!! A big fucking juicy burrito but I'm cool. Ill be aright. Ill have an apple. But to criticize someone for hard work and dedication well you have a problem. There is my answer to that bullshit and I will now bury it and you can bite my ass.
Now on to other important shit. I put that out there now It's behind me. This is the emotional swings I guess I am having today. Feel my wrath lol. Ok well that's it kids. Those of you who care, I appreciate everything you do for me with all my heart.
So today was a shit day for me. Anger, Anxiety and sadness. I am staying strong in the middle of all of this. I just need to remember that the emotions will get the best of me some days. Today was what I am sure the first of many.
SMIB \m/
Pat you can only be strong for so long before you hit your breaking point.. As you said your breakdown may be one of many and that is to be expected, thing you have to remember is that it's ok and you're not weak because of it.. You're trying to stay strong for those around you but remember to be strong for yourself too. Times like these in life are never easy the admittance that you're sick is the toughest hurtle, you can now face the fight head on and know you'll win it. The admiration of many that are on your side will make this tough journey all the more easier to overcome. Stay strong my friend, you can beat this, you can do anything you put your mind to, you got this!!!! FUCK YOU CANCER!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you. I am staying strong and doing all I can to keep my mind on being healthy
DeleteI'm proud of you, Pat. You're not only fighting like a soldier, you're being totally open and transparent about your struggle. Someone out there in your situation is going to find this blog and read your words and it's going to give them the courage to keep fighting and win. ROCK ON! FUCK CANCER!
ReplyDeleteThank you that means a lot. I really started this blog because honestly I was constantly repeating myself to everyone about my day how I was feeling. Someone I spoke with that went through something similar told me write down everything everyday how you feel. So I put the two together and created this blog, And I knew it would have to be open and honest otherwise why have it.
Deletest of all, dont worry about assholes that are jealous. Whoever that was is probably over weight and thats their excuse, "Ahhh I knew it wasnt nayural, you have to get sick to lose weight so fuck it, Ill stay fat" Know what I mean Pat? Theres always a jealous asshole.
ReplyDelete2nd, always a bright side. The fact that fn Comcast actually showed up at all is a small miracle, LMFAO their customer service sucks dick!!!
#FUCKYOU CANCER